This Cary Tennis letter in
Salon, from a grad student worried about not being able to afford to attend his friend's destination wedding, spoke to me.
"What is the meaning of this destination wedding in Hawaii? Is it in keeping with my goals and values? Or is it an upper-middle-class fantasy that reveals a lack of commitment to progressive values? If I attend this wedding in Hawaii, does that mean that I endorse the idea of expensive destination weddings and the class-based fantasies they embody?"
I'm relieved I'm not the only person who thinks like this.
I like destination weddings, actually. Especially when it's somewhere fun and you can roll a vacation into it. But I feel perfectly free to decline an invitation if I can't afford it or if the event doesn't speak to me for one reason or another. I go to weddings -- I spend money to go particular weddings -- because being there is a show of love and support, and that means something to me. I don't attend on the basis of social pressure. And if I really wanted to go and couldn't bloody afford it, I'd go anyway. That's why god made Visa.
Weddings aside. I'm extending Cary's point here. The kind of work you do, how you spend your free time, and where you spend your money -- those are your values. Not what you proclaim as values, that usually doesn't amount to shit. I grew up a preacher's kid, the weight of the Protestant ethic is fully upon me, and if nothing else, dad taught me this: What you do every day is what you believe in.
Me, I wouldn't dream of getting into a year's worth of debt over a wedding, but I'll happily attend yours. I worked for PG&E once because I was dead broke, but I own it, and I'll never do it again. I support local music. I get skeeved out if I realize I've gone a few months without doing volunteer work. I quit buying books and started using the library which is a democratic triumph people, get back to your local library. I'm leaving advertising and joining public healthcare. I wash out and reuse ziploc bags, I mulch kitchen waste, and I'm an excellent tipper.
I also spent more on my dog's healthcare last year than my own. I'm vain and I ritualistically spend too much on clothes. And shoes. And jewelry. I don't do enough for my community. I think teenage parents are idiots and I don't give their cause a dime. I frickin love working in advertising and leaving it has as much to do with my personal incompatibility with the corporate environment as anything. I can't bring myself to compromise my hair - I drive to SF and pay for the spendy salon. I have eaten at the French Laundry. Twice.
Here's Cary:
"We might become artists or musicians or study arcane and little-understood phenomena, we might live more simply, we might dedicate ourselves to what we love, we might take time off from work to improve our lives and our relationships, we might spend more time with our children, if it weren't for the fear of not having enough money, or appearing to not have enough money...
Rather than say, "I'm sorry, your destination wedding in Hawaii does not fit my budgetary plans for fiscal year 2006," we say, "I'm so happy for you, I'll be there!" We pretend to have money that we do not have. And then we create for ourselves a set of unreasonable expectations. We attend a wedding we cannot afford to attend and give gifts we cannot afford to buy. And then we pay later. We pay with our time. We pay with our dreams.""
Dude, skip the wedding, stay in grad school, treat yourself to a night out once in awhile. Trust me, it helps. Me, I have not one (hurray!) wedding this summer, so I'm going to Rome next month. Got a job lined up when I get back. That's good enough, right?
